Riley's Words

While on the topic of adoption ethics I thought I would post a piece written by my husband, Riley, regarding this topic. This post was originally written as an open response to all those involved in the adoption world who have taken a closed stance specifically regarding infant adoption. It is not meant to be antagonistic. It was written as a reminder that we are all doing the best we can and that while ethics must be upheld, it is not our place to judge people based on who they’ve adopted or what started them on their adoption journey. What matters is whether or not they have gone about the process in the right way.

Adoption is an issue that has a million hot buttons and pressing any given button can strike a nerve and instantly divide people against one another. I do not believe that an issue so complex can be boiled down to “I’m right and you’re wrong.” The truth is that there are millions of orphans in the world. Some of those orphans are infants, many others are not. Some of the orphans live in the United States. Others do not. There are tragic cases of forced relinquishment and child trafficking. There are plenty of couples who would not consider adopting a child over 12 months old. However, there are thousands of cases that have started and ended well that we do not hear about in the news or on blogs because families are too busy being together and enjoying one another.

As a Christian who is adopting, my desire is to always consider Jesus and how he viewed the world and sought guidance from God the father. In the Lord’s Prayer we are told to pray that “Your (God’s) kingdom would come and your will would be done on Earth as it is in heaven.” I don’t take this to mean that we are praying for an end to this world but that we are praying for a daily reality of the things that are always true in God’s kingdom to be true here. In His kingdom, there are no orphans. Families being divided was never a part of the design but it is a reality in humanity because of poverty, war, disease, rape, irresponsibility and a million other reasons. The reality faces us whether we want to admit it or not. The world is full of orphans.

I never want my faith to be only talk. I believe in the power of prayer. I also believe in action. The best way I know to ensure that an orphan is no longer an orphan is to seek every possible avenue for them to have a family. I believe in the reunification of birth families as the first option. I believe in seeking out relatives and close friends. I also believe there are instances where these options are exhausted completely and a child is truly unwanted by anyone who we would all hope should have a desire to raise them. The question then becomes how does this child, the truly unwanted child, “the least of these,” get a family. Adoption is an answer to this question whether this child is 1 day old or 17 years and 11 months old.

I don’t believe in only adopting infants, or to closing your heart to older child adoption. I also don’t believe in chastising people who have adopted infants ethically and with every attempt to reunite the child with their biological family. The age of an orphan doesn’t define their status as an orphan. There may be an orphan who is 5 and still has a chance to be reunified with his/her birth family. There may also be an orphan who is a newborn who has no one in the world to care about him/her. Praying for a baby isn’t done with evil or malice in someone’s heart. It is often just the first place people start when considering adoption. We are used to the idea of our children starting out as infants because biological children always do.

 I would encourage people to open their hearts to the idea of older child adoption but have nothing but love for anyone who is trying to navigate the world of adoption ethically and with the best of intentions. In the end, God is the only one who can judge whether or not our hearts are truly obedient to his purposes. Families may grow in different ways. Children of different ages need families today. God may take the tragedy of a child losing their family as an infant and work mightily to give that child a family while they are still in their infancy. Others may be orphans for years and should not be overlooked by those able and willing to bring them home.

My point is that at the end of they day, it is easy for us to sit at our computers and peck each other to death about who is right and why when right now, in this moment, real orphans of all ages are in need of a family. We should all do our part to be educated on the complexity of adoption and the reality that adoption only exists because of tragedy. We must also remember that in all things, God is able.

 In closing I would say, don’t pray to adopt a baby or a seventeen year old or a child with curly hair or straight teeth. Pray that God would allow you to be part of restoration and healing in the life of an orphan by bringing them into a family, possibly your family, no matter what their age, gender, etc. happens to be. Adoption is too big of an issue to relegate to polarizing views. Ethically, with faith and love, one step at a time, let’s do our part to bring his (God’s) Kingdom to this Earth.