Friday, November 22, 2013

Riley's Words


While on the topic of adoption ethics I thought I would post a piece written by my husband, Riley, regarding this topic. This post was originally written as an open response to all those involved in the adoption world who have taken a closed stance specifically regarding infant adoption. It is not meant to be antagonistic. It was written as a reminder that we are all doing the best we can and that while ethics must be upheld, it is not our place to judge people based on who they’ve adopted or what started them on their adoption journey. What matters is whether or not they have gone about the process in the right way.



Adoption is an issue that has a million hot buttons and pressing any given button can strike a nerve and instantly divide people against one another. I do not believe that an issue so complex can be boiled down to “I’m right and you’re wrong.” The truth is that there are millions of orphans in the world. Some of those orphans are infants, many others are not. Some of the orphans live in the United States. Others do not. There are tragic cases of forced relinquishment and child trafficking. There are plenty of couples who would not consider adopting a child over 12 months old. However, there are thousands of cases that have started and ended well that we do not hear about in the news or on blogs because families are too busy being together and enjoying one another.

As a Christian who is adopting, my desire is to always consider Jesus and how he viewed the world and sought guidance from God the father. In the Lord’s Prayer we are told to pray that “Your (God’s) kingdom would come and your will would be done on Earth as it is in heaven.” I don’t take this to mean that we are praying for an end to this world but that we are praying for a daily reality of the things that are always true in God’s kingdom to be true here. In His kingdom, there are no orphans. Families being divided was never a part of the design but it is a reality in humanity because of poverty, war, disease, rape, irresponsibility and a million other reasons. The reality faces us whether we want to admit it or not. The world is full of orphans.

I never want my faith to be only talk. I believe in the power of prayer. I also believe in action. The best way I know to ensure that an orphan is no longer an orphan is to seek every possible avenue for them to have a family. I believe in the reunification of birth families as the first option. I believe in seeking out relatives and close friends. I also believe there are instances where these options are exhausted completely and a child is truly unwanted by anyone who we would all hope should have a desire to raise them. The question then becomes how does this child, the truly unwanted child, “the least of these,” get a family. Adoption is an answer to this question whether this child is 1 day old or 17 years and 11 months old.

I don’t believe in only adopting infants, or to closing your heart to older child adoption. I also don’t believe in chastising people who have adopted infants ethically and with every attempt to reunite the child with their biological family. The age of an orphan doesn’t define their status as an orphan. There may be an orphan who is 5 and still has a chance to be reunified with his/her birth family. There may also be an orphan who is a newborn who has no one in the world to care about him/her. Praying for a baby isn’t done with evil or malice in someone’s heart. It is often just the first place people start when considering adoption. We are used to the idea of our children starting out as infants because biological children always do.

 I would encourage people to open their hearts to the idea of older child adoption but have nothing but love for anyone who is trying to navigate the world of adoption ethically and with the best of intentions. In the end, God is the only one who can judge whether or not our hearts are truly obedient to his purposes. Families may grow in different ways. Children of different ages need families today. God may take the tragedy of a child losing their family as an infant and work mightily to give that child a family while they are still in their infancy. Others may be orphans for years and should not be overlooked by those able and willing to bring them home.

My point is that at the end of they day, it is easy for us to sit at our computers and peck each other to death about who is right and why when right now, in this moment, real orphans of all ages are in need of a family. We should all do our part to be educated on the complexity of adoption and the reality that adoption only exists because of tragedy. We must also remember that in all things, God is able.


 In closing I would say, don’t pray to adopt a baby or a seventeen year old or a child with curly hair or straight teeth. Pray that God would allow you to be part of restoration and healing in the life of an orphan by bringing them into a family, possibly your family, no matter what their age, gender, etc. happens to be. Adoption is too big of an issue to relegate to polarizing views. Ethically, with faith and love, one step at a time, let’s do our part to bring his (God’s) Kingdom to this Earth.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Home Study

         Riley and I are currently completing our home study. For those of you who don’t know, this is the point in the adoption process where you are assigned a social worker that evaluates you and decides if you are fit to parent adopted children. First off I have to say our social worker is an amazing woman, we are so blessed to have her to do our home study. I wish that all adoptive families could be so lucky to have someone who does there job with grace, efficiency, professionalism and a good sense of humor.
            In the home study process you have to answer a lot of questions. Our first meeting was my individual interview. Different agencies and states have different regulations. For our agency, you must complete three couples interviews and each of you must complete an individual interview. I went first because of how our schedule worked out. I have to say being a person who generally does not like talking about anything that has to do with emotions, I was quite nervous. It turned out that the interview wasn’t bad. I credit our social worker for helping me feel at ease about the process.
            As I said before, there are many questions and it ended up taking an hour and a half. It felt like a lot of talking for me but Riley’s individual interview ended up lasting over two hours! A lot of the questions are about your family. Our social worker got to see our family first hand because of an entertaining turn of events during the tail end of Riley’s individual interview.
            Because we were in the middle of talking to our social worker, we were not answering our phones. Riley’s dad called us to ask if we would like to go to dinner and we didn’t answer. As the day drew on, he called several more times and we continued to not answer our phones. Riley’s dad is a loving worrier. He calls when he hears sirens, he calls to check in, he calls to hear your voice.
            Because we didn’t answer, he began to get worried and decided the best thing to do would be to come to our house and check on us (both sets of our parents live within 20 minutes of where we live). As Riley was finishing up his individual interview, I was in the bedroom on the computer. We heard frantic running up the stairs and then Riley’s dad burst in. Riley introduced him to the social worker who was very gracious and thought it was sweet what a caring father/ future grandfather he was. Needless to say, you never know what’s going to happen.
            With these meetings and questions, adoption is becoming more real and not just an idea to me. Sometimes I just look at Riley thinking, “This is really happening.” I feel like this process is changing us but in the best of ways. We are becoming better people through this process because each step has less and less to do with us and more and more to do with a child who needs a family.  It’s not an easy process or even close to over, but it’s a growing process and we are moving forward little by little, day by day.
 The paperwork can be daunting so we have been trying to enjoy the outdoors as much as possible, while the weather is still nice.
 
Here are some pictures of a hike we took right outside of Durango.