Adoption Ethics

         Adoption is a messy thing. In a perfect world there would be no such thing. It is something that exists because of a broken world. Adoption rises out of tragedy. It happens because the original plan for a child to be a member of their biological family did not work out for one reason or another. With all this in mind, I still believe adoption is beautiful.

            I wish all orphans weren’t orphans. I wish that reunification of families was something that always worked. I wish that poverty and disease and a million other things didn’t create broken families. The best way I can see in a broken world for orphans, true orphans, to become beloved sons and daughters is through adoption. This may not have been the first choice, but it can be, and is, the beautiful alternative when the first choice is no longer an option.

            Sadly there are people who have taken a beautiful thing and tainted it. There are some horrible things that have happened when it comes to adoption. As I have researched I have learned of shady adoption agencies that have looked beyond the needs of children and focused on their income. There have been instances where there are parents who are willing to parent their child, only for the child to be sold or taken from them. There is no way this is even remotely okay.

            This doesn’t mean that adoption should stop. What this means is unethical adoptions should stop.  Agencies should always put the children first with no exceptions. This is why Riley and I took our time in choosing an agency. We put the ethics of the agency before the cost of the adoption, time of referral, and everything else. I want you all to know this because this is a messy business, but within that messiness there is beauty. Something truly amazing can come of a real, ethical and honest adoption.

            When Riley and I first started looking into adoption we didn’t really realize everything that goes on in the adoption world. Through research, we have found out about the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m sure there are still things I don’t know. Every day I feel as if I learn more about something. There are many issues out there. I’m not saying that I know the answers but I will tell you that Riley and I are doing our best to search for the right and ethical way to go about things.

            We will not stand idly by and let the opportunity to adopt pass us when we can act now. We also want everyone to know about the importance of adopting ethically. At the end of the adoption journey is the beginning of the rest of an orphan’s life. After all that these children have been through, they deserve to know that they were brought into a family in the most honest and loving way possible because really adoption shouldn’t be about us getting a child. Adoption should be about a child who has lost or never had a family getting the very best one possible.

Parents

           This word means different things to different people. Some people have negative experiences with parents, but for the most part parents are a positive thing. People need good parents.  When I think of parents, of my own and my husband’s, I am extremely grateful. My parents have helped me become who I am today.  If it were not for them I do not know where I would be today.

            Parents help shape who you are, for the better or worse.  I don’t think many children realize how difficult it is to parent well and how many people do it well day in and day out, all around the world. The lives parents are living in front of their children are impacting the lives of their children for years to come.

            I grew up at a Christian camp for low income and inner-city youth. I watched my mom and dad single handedly keep this place running in times where there was virtually no money coming in. I saw their faith working. They trusted that even though resources were thin, God would always pull through. I have applied much of that to my own life.  I look back and see my parent’s actions being reflected in my life. This is true in the smallest details like eating healthy and absolutely no sweet cereal. It is also true in the big things like how I have chosen to pursue Christ with my life.

            My father was offered some land in thanks for everything he has done with the camp that he started. He declined and only wanted that land for the camp. This selfless act has shown me how to put the life of others before my own.

            My mother has been such a silent helper. She has cleaned so many buildings, on her own for the good of the camp. She has done so many things for others. No one seems to notice, but she just keeps helping. There are many large buildings on camp, and in the off season the camp rents them out to help pay some bills. Someone has to clean them. For so long it was just my mom, cleaning. I have also cleaned these buildings on my own and let me tell you, it is not an easy chore. It takes roughly four to six hours (if you’re quick with no breaks) to thoroughly clean one of these buildings. For so many years my mom has cleaned these buildings by herself with no reward other than a job well done and the knowledge that it would need to be done again in a matter of days.

            I can’t help but look at my parents and see how selfless they are. The camp that they have invested so much time and money in is a camp for kids who normally would not have the money to go to a summer camp.  Camp is expensive. When I look at my parents I see how, with their faith, they have accomplished so much for kids who normally would not get to experience horseback riding, backpacking, ropes course stuff, and the opportunity to hear the gospel.

            Of course it is not only my own parents who have shaped my life. If you are blessed to marry into a family where your spouse has great parents too, you are very blessed. Although I did not grow up with my husband Riley’s parents and have only known them for the time I have been with Riley, they have also helped and encouraged Riley and I in so many ways. They are loving, caring, and welcoming to pretty much anyone. Their home is open and they are always willing to take anyone under their roof. I cannot count the amount of times they have encouraged us to be a blessing to others.

            When Riley and I were in one of our last semesters in college. He was student teaching. If you have never experienced this, or been around someone who has, let me break down the scenario for you. Usually you are working 50 hour weeks with absolutely no income and no time to get another job. I was working some jobs along the side and trying to get my biology research done. This meant spending every spare moment in the lab trying to dissect fruit flies with needles for my senior thesis. All this to say, money was tight. Riley and I had sat down to a dinner of potatoes with salt when Riley’s dad called to say hello. This is roughly how the conversation went,

 “Hey son, what are you up to?”

“Just eating dinner.”

“Nice, what are you having?”

“Potatoes.” 

“And…”

“Just potatoes”

“And is that all you have been eating lately?”

“Pretty much”

 “Meet me at the grocery store in 30 minutes.”

That night we came home with enough food to last us for a month. Good food too. Riley’s dad thought nothing of doing this for us. It was just what he felt he had to do.
            According to Riley's account, his mother spends hours each day reading her Bible and praying for each one of us. She always takes the time to ask how you are doing and is one of the best listeners I have ever seen in a family full of talkers. On top of all that, she will willingly make you a delicious chicken pot pie with little to no advance warning after her own hard day of work.

            With these stories in mind I come to my final point, the importance of parents.  I’m sure after reading these stories, you have stories of your own that are reminding you of what a blessing parents or parent figures have been in your life.
             Now imagine your life without your parents. Imagine yourself with no one to guide you through life, no one to comfort you when you fall, no one to tell you that you are loved. Imagine yourself completely alone in the world.

            There are many children who are faced with this every day. Orphans who have no parents to tell them they love them and will take care of them. Honestly, I cannot imagine my life without the support of parents. It would be a nightmare. Some of these kids live this nightmare every day with no hope of an end. Life isn't about living for these children, it is only about surviving.

            I have been reading many blogs about adoption. I see various children’s referral pictures posted by their adoptive parents. Hardly any of the children are smiling in these pictures, they’re scared and they don’t know who to turn to. To them, parents are as far away as a dream. One of the most beautiful things is seeing the transformation in their pictures as they come home to a family. There scared faces become bright, they start to smile, and there is a twinkle in their eye. They are no longer orphans. They are beloved children.

            This is one of the many reasons adoption is something to consider. Adoption isn’t about us getting a child, adoption is about family and the heart of the Father who first loved us.

Because I think a post is not a post without pictures, here are some pictures of us with our parents.

I know these pictures are older but our parents were such a big part of our wedding I couldn't resist posting these.